When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
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I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
DOOO EEEET
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
this is me