“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
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In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
doing some research
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture