Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
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*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Finally, a door that understands me
this article brought to you by lions
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
the battle rages on
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.