my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
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Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long