Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
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Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”