I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
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It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.