Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
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Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”