5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
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WTF
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.