You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
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Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill