Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
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Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.