He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
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jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.