I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
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Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
ouch
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Are you ok, human???
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
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