One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
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I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing