My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
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Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
My love language is deader than Latin
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job