I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
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Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
I’m ready for Halloween this year
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice