I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
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Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
I could NOT have put it better myself.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”