The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
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[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Cheer up.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Ron is short for Aaronald
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.