Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
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My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know