Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
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girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
🤣
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’