I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
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hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Just say no
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.