[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
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If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?