Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
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I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.