The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
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My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Spotted in New Orleans.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?