grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
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“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
broke down and did it
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it