You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
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ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
me and my fake scenarios
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go