The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
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Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?