Sunday
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We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
What kind of a cult is this?
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.