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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
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[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.