I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
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When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive