Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
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I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!