My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
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My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*