Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
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Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
mood
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
This came to me in a dream.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.