[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
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Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.