Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
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FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.