Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
You Might Also Like
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
TEETH IS INNOCENT
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
“i am a sweet baby”
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle