*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
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After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.