Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
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I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.