The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
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I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Bit chilly again tonight.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.