40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
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Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”