*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
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“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.