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He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
I’m good, thanks.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.