ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
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By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
The glory of fall.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?