I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
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For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Just had my nails done!
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Life hack
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr