if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
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I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Brother?
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello