i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
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The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Anyone want a chair?
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
A huge thanks to the person that did this
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid