pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
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My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice