[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
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I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
When I laugh on my period
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
That’s not how days work.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.