officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
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Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
mentally somewhere in italy
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Bill is short for Billiam
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.