Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
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Every time.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Leaving the Barbers like
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.