I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
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Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*